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There is seriously no way this amount of text fits in the comment section or the ask box.
So she crawls into Rachel’s bed and waits under the yellow summer quilt that smells like Rachel’s bodywash. It feels like she lies there for hours, until her eyes are heavy with exhaustion and her whole body relaxes into the mattress against her own will.
She’s been asleep for a few hours by the time Rachel crawls into bed, her cheeks still damp with tears and her skin hot from the New York August evening. She curls against Santana’s back, nuzzles the tangled hair at the back of her neck, and sighs.
“I’m really glad you didn’t leave.” She whispers it, because Santana is the lightest sleeper in Brooklyn and the last thing Rachel needs is to explain why her voice is so strained. But Santana stirs regardless and rolls over, touching her forehead to Rachel’s.
again, this is from ‘if you’re looking for the right direction, then darling look for me’.
i think it’s pretty nice of kurt to spend so much time talking to rachel about her burgeoning feelings for santana. since clearly rachel isn’t using santana just for sex.
out of this whole fic this is the one moment i love the most. rachel has no idea santana overheard her and kurt on the fire escape. she also thinks santana is asleep. so it’s all open and honest and she’s relieved that santana is still there for her to hold, even if she does plan on taking off in the morning.
but then santana doesn’t, she rolls over and is kind of sweet, and then kind of pervy, and then "The ruined moment is worth the promise that Santana will be there in the morning, and probably many mornings after that."
my otp feelings were at 11 by the end of this. (and are at 11 by the end of writing this omg)
holy balls it said i submitted this but i did not i stg it came from firstname.lastname@example.org
“Santana! You can’t just storm out of the apartment.”
“Why?” They’re standing on the street, now, after Rachel chased her down the stairs, yelling her name the whole way. Santana is on the verge of tears, for reasons she understands but refuses to acknowledge, and Rachel looks like she’s almost there, too.
“B-because. We need you up there.”
“We? Or Miranda. Because you’re going to have a heart-to-heart with your piece of shit baby daddy and you need someone to keep an eye on your kid?
“No! That’s not it! I-I just… don’t know what I’m going to do… but he’s her dad.”
“So? You grew up without your mom. You’re perfectly fine without her now. Miranda doesn’t need him. She has us.”
“But… doesn’t he deserve a second chance? Don’t… don’t I deserve a second chance?”
“Rachel, there are people who wouldn’t need a second chance, and that’s what you deserve.” Santana is huddling into her sweater, which is completely inadequate for how cold the early December night is.
“Santana, every person I have ever been with-”
“That shouldn’t stop you from looking for someone better.”
“And who would that be.” Rachel rolls her eyes and shuffles. “I have a baby. The dating pool just shrunk considerably.”
“If you seriously think that you’re a fucking idiot. And Alexi is coming,” she points with her chin at Alexi, who is practically dancing up the sidewalk with headphones on. His skin glows orange in the streetlight and his smile is almost blinding when he notices them. “You should make sure he gets in fine.”
Rachel turns her head in the direction of Alexi’s footsteps, and with the movement, Santana takes off, walking as fast as her Uggs will let her go.
so rachel is trying to make decisions for herself, even though she kind of already did before by having brody sign those papers, but still.
this part seemed kind of random when i wrote it, it still does, and i should probably rewrite it a bit because i was trying to indicate that she’s in a vulnerable place (referring to chapter 8: “Which, in Rachel speak, means she’ll wait until Brody shows up again. And he’ll probably catch her at a time when she’s feeling vulnerable. And Santana can’t have that slimeball rolling back into their life after she’s done such a good job wearing the shoes that he never wanted to fill.”)
my big problem with this fic, i think, is that it takes a lot from santana’s point of view, but then i try to make these big indications to what rachel’s thinking and how she’s feeling about certain things and it just isn’t very effective.
the whole idea is that rachel is vulnerable, feeling like she probably doesn’t have much of a chance at finding anyone who will want her with a baby (that’s serious, because rachel doesn’t actually know that santana wants her like that. she thinks it’s just about the baby the whole time. she’s stupid. seriously.) and brody keeps crawling back on his belly like he cares or something.
my favourite part of this chapter, though, is when brittany is talking to her on the phone and she’s like ‘that doesn’t sound like a santana thing to do’ in reference to the whole baby thing. because it kind of points out the fact that rachel never stepped back and took stock of what was going on between them, that maybe santana really felt something for her.
also, santana calling rachel a ‘fucking idiot’ released a huge pressure valve on my emotions about this fic. a mixture of disappointment and anger.
“Oh my god.” There’s a pause and Rachel sniffs. Santana feels that hole filling in with things that she doesn’t want to give name to, yet. “You’re totally falling for her.”
“No, no, no. I totally remember seeing this. But with Finn. And …less refined. Oh my god.” Kurt actually sounds breathless and Santana feels like she should be going because whatever Rachel’s response is going to be will kill her.
“So what if I am?”
Santana feels the floor float out from underneath her and she tries to make it back to Rachel’s bed without tripping over something or walking into a support beam. She thinks about work in the morning, and about how she’s probably fired because her manager hates people walking out on shift, even if they’re bleeding. She wonders if she’ll have to return the apron and blouse, and then remembers that her clothes are probably strewn around the apartment. She searches around in the orange-grey darkness and when she can’t even find her blouse in the bathroom she realises, with a small thrill of horror, that either Rachel or Kurt had collected and done laundry.
Which means her panties-
if you’re looking for the right direction, then darling look for me.
(it took me forever to figure out which fic this was from because i don’t even remember publishing it)
this part was planned from the beginning, when i only had a paragraph of actual text and a really vague idea of what the plot would be. the story is short, but it’s really important to the narrative because if santana had never heard that conversation between rachel and kurt, she would’ve never taken the step in saying ‘i love you’ to rachel’s face first. which means
as i saw it in writing this fic, rachel and santana accidentally fall on each other when they both need it and neither of them are really willing to admit to themselves what’s going on so they really need that ‘other’ voice to push them into being honest.
i also really love the idea of hyper-aware kurt. it’s my favourite aspect of pezberry fanfic that takes place in new york. one day i’m just going to write something where kurt frustratedly shoves their heads together and screams ‘MAKE OUT ALREADY’ because he’s so tired of all the building sexual tension in the apartment.
oh and that last part exists MOSTLY because the idea of kurt discovering santana’s underwear is too funny but also because he would’ve never known they fucked if he hadn’t been annoyed by the trail of clothes leading from the bathroom.
AND IT WORKED SOMEHOW? BECAUSE I FIND MYSELF IN A STATE OF MIND I CANNOT COMPREHEND YET I LIKE IT? HOW—
From a post Ashleigh reblogged… that’s what i saw, anyway. Sigh.
QUIT MAKING ME SEE YOUR FIC BUNNIES IN THINGS, LIZ. FUCK.
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